In the last few days I have had a constant stream of nothing but bad news. Two guys I know have had surgery and are now in treatment for testicular cancer. Another friend is facing the death of one person who was very close to her and the very serious illness of another. And today I heard that a friend of another friend was in a devastating car crash and will be paralyzed from the neck down.
I am reeling from all this. It is other people's bad news, I know. None of it is about me as they say. Still, it just seems as if disaster is dropping in from every direction and it is difficult to think about anything else. I suppose part of this feeling comes from not being able to do anything but just absorb this information. To insert myself in some possibly helpful way would just be intrusive.
I keep trying to find the message or lesson in all this so that God will see that we get it and won't want to test us further. I have had that thought before and realized then as now that it is mostly superstition masquerading as faith. Still, it is difficult to do nothing. I wish I could think of something that might help just a little.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Balanced awareness or over-dramatization?
Lately several of my friends have faced serious health problems. Some of them have worked out well. While it hasn’t been easy for them, it’s a great relief to know that they have seen the worst of the current challenge and are on their way back. It remains to be seen how things are going to go for others. They are on my mind a great deal. While I had quite a dramatic run, it seems that I was let off the hook easily in comparison to others.
I have another routine follow-up appointment with my lung surgeon tomorrow. That required another CT scan and that was done today. In order to get the CT scan I had to go for blood tests last week. The novelty of all these tests has worn off. Now they seem just like more hoops to jump through – part of my payment for having gotten off the hook from that tumor.
I made a remark to someone the other day that these tests and appointments are the annoying part of not dying that I have to go through in order to get all the good things that life rolls my way. I meant it as a joke but there was truth in it, too. When I learned I had the tumor I vowed not to take as much for granted. At the same time I don’t want to moon along in the dramatic role of the disease survivor. It’s an interesting and difficult balance to maintain. I hope I’m doing a good job of it. It’s hard to know.
I have another routine follow-up appointment with my lung surgeon tomorrow. That required another CT scan and that was done today. In order to get the CT scan I had to go for blood tests last week. The novelty of all these tests has worn off. Now they seem just like more hoops to jump through – part of my payment for having gotten off the hook from that tumor.
I made a remark to someone the other day that these tests and appointments are the annoying part of not dying that I have to go through in order to get all the good things that life rolls my way. I meant it as a joke but there was truth in it, too. When I learned I had the tumor I vowed not to take as much for granted. At the same time I don’t want to moon along in the dramatic role of the disease survivor. It’s an interesting and difficult balance to maintain. I hope I’m doing a good job of it. It’s hard to know.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Requiem
Yesterday evening I went to hear a concert by the Handel Choir of Baltimore. It featured pieces by several composers but the program was built around an Organ Suite and a Requiem by Maurice Duruflé. I had never heard of Duruflé, let alone heard any of his music. It was very beautiful and the performance was magnificient. I had known of the Handel Choir but had never been to any of their concerts. A co-worker invited me to it through Facebook and I'm glad of that. I'll be keeping my eye on their concert schedule in the future.
It's hard to hear a requiem without thinking about friends and family I have lost. There were several this year. Sometimes when I am thinking about those who are gone, I take a moment and try to recall their voices. Often I can remember actual sentences. Usually it's something happy or something very sad. Rarely anything in between. In many cases I can hear the way the person laughed. It's comforting to be able to do that. It keeps them close.
It's hard to hear a requiem without thinking about friends and family I have lost. There were several this year. Sometimes when I am thinking about those who are gone, I take a moment and try to recall their voices. Often I can remember actual sentences. Usually it's something happy or something very sad. Rarely anything in between. In many cases I can hear the way the person laughed. It's comforting to be able to do that. It keeps them close.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A sad loss today
I heard today that my aunt Dolores died. We were nearly out the door on our way to see her when the news came in. Dolores had been very ill for some time and I'm relieved for her that the difficult time has ended. But that's a bit of rationalization on my part. The selfish me wants her back.
I guess, legally, Dolores doesn't count as an offiical aunt. Her husband Steve was the brother of my mother's sister's husband. Confusing, I know, but maybe this will help:
Dolores -married- Steve -brother of- John -married- Kathleen -sister of- Nancy (my mother.)
When my mother and father left the Windber/Johnstown area to live in Baltimore, Steve and Dolores were the only hometown people who were living here too. I remember my mother telling me about the times when my sister died and when my father died. Steve and Dolores were right by her side in an instant. She said that she wouldn't have been able to make it through those times without them.
Dolores has always been a constant in our lives. Steve and Dolores came to our house every Thanksgiving. After both my mother and Steve had died, Dolores came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. In recent years she hadn't been well enough to make the trip and the holiday was dimmer because of that.
We have made many, many trips up to the Johnstown area over the past few years to visit family. With Dolores gone, I realize that we have lost our last real tie to that area. So sad in many ways.
Steve was always quiet while Dolores was happiest when she was chatting with someone. Although I don't remember it, I evidently once referred to them as Stevendolores and the man who comes with her. My family has never let me forget that. One of many memories that I will hold onto now.
At Thanksgiving we always had whisky sours as a pre-dinner cocktail. Over the years we have added extra cherries in memory of those who have gone. I will say a rosary tonight and then I'll have a whisky sour with an extra cherry for Dolores. She would appreciate both those things.
I guess, legally, Dolores doesn't count as an offiical aunt. Her husband Steve was the brother of my mother's sister's husband. Confusing, I know, but maybe this will help:
Dolores -married- Steve -brother of- John -married- Kathleen -sister of- Nancy (my mother.)
When my mother and father left the Windber/Johnstown area to live in Baltimore, Steve and Dolores were the only hometown people who were living here too. I remember my mother telling me about the times when my sister died and when my father died. Steve and Dolores were right by her side in an instant. She said that she wouldn't have been able to make it through those times without them.
Dolores has always been a constant in our lives. Steve and Dolores came to our house every Thanksgiving. After both my mother and Steve had died, Dolores came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. In recent years she hadn't been well enough to make the trip and the holiday was dimmer because of that.
We have made many, many trips up to the Johnstown area over the past few years to visit family. With Dolores gone, I realize that we have lost our last real tie to that area. So sad in many ways.
Steve was always quiet while Dolores was happiest when she was chatting with someone. Although I don't remember it, I evidently once referred to them as Stevendolores and the man who comes with her. My family has never let me forget that. One of many memories that I will hold onto now.
At Thanksgiving we always had whisky sours as a pre-dinner cocktail. Over the years we have added extra cherries in memory of those who have gone. I will say a rosary tonight and then I'll have a whisky sour with an extra cherry for Dolores. She would appreciate both those things.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A mission statement for 2009
I have been thinking a lot about the last two years and all that has happened over that time. Some great moments and some truly terrible ones. At this time last year I had vowed to live my life more fully and deeply than I had done in the past. As this year ends it is obvious to me that I didn't do a very good job of that. I took some time to think about the person I would like to be and listed some words that would describe how that person would live. I came up with eleven of them. I know I will make various task and accomplishment related resolutions as the new year begins and I hope that I'll be able to keep some of them. My one real resolution this year will be to check in regularly - daily if possible - to see how well I have met my character mission statment. It is:
I will remember that my time here is brief and will live with love, kindness, understanding, patience, wisdom, awareness, purpose, strength, faith, gratitude, and joy.
I'll need to practice these. I don't know if I could even list them all correctly from memory yet. I put them in that order for a reason because they all seem to relate to each other. To help me remember them, I made an eleven pointed star diagram. It is far from high quality graphic work but it will do the trick for me. Here it is.
I will remember that my time here is brief and will live with love, kindness, understanding, patience, wisdom, awareness, purpose, strength, faith, gratitude, and joy.
I'll need to practice these. I don't know if I could even list them all correctly from memory yet. I put them in that order for a reason because they all seem to relate to each other. To help me remember them, I made an eleven pointed star diagram. It is far from high quality graphic work but it will do the trick for me. Here it is.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
A poem - a prayer
I needed to get something from my car today and decided to go out without a coat since I was parked fairly near to the building. People told me I would freeze but I thought a jaunt into the cold would be bracing. It was a little disappointing when I got out there to find that it is 55 degrees at the moment.
Still, the experience I had anticipated having made me think of a poem - A Prayer by Sara Teasdale. It seems a good sentiment for the end of this year, and is likely to be a little more applicable since the temperatures are supposed to drop significantly over the next few days.
A Prayer
When I am dying, let me know
That I loved the blowing snow
Although it stung like whips;
That I loved all lovely things
And I tried to take their stings
With gay unembittered lips;
That I loved with all my strength,
To my soul's full depth and length,
Careless if my heart must break,
That I sang as children sing
Fitting tunes to everything,
Loving life for its own sake.
Still, the experience I had anticipated having made me think of a poem - A Prayer by Sara Teasdale. It seems a good sentiment for the end of this year, and is likely to be a little more applicable since the temperatures are supposed to drop significantly over the next few days.
A Prayer
When I am dying, let me know
That I loved the blowing snow
Although it stung like whips;
That I loved all lovely things
And I tried to take their stings
With gay unembittered lips;
That I loved with all my strength,
To my soul's full depth and length,
Careless if my heart must break,
That I sang as children sing
Fitting tunes to everything,
Loving life for its own sake.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Yesterday morning
We are having unusually warm weather and when I got up yesterday morning it was already nearly 60 degrees outside. I decided to go for a walk along the river and had a wonderful time. It was a grey morning with fast moving clouds. Maybe because of the clouds there were very few people out and I saw nobody for quite a long time. The mist on the river created quite a mood. It takes more photographic skill than I have to capture something like that well but here is a photo of the river as I crossed the bridge at the beginning of the route.
I walked for quite a way and on the way back the clouds began to clear. The wind was moving them along quickly and the light show on the trees and the river was beautiful to watch. I climbed out on a rotten log and took this video with my snappy new camera. This doesn't do the moment justice - it was one of those 'you had to be there' experiences - but I'm glad I have this anyway.
When I was nearly back to the car I came upon a heron feeding in the river. This heron was remarkably unimpressed by the presence of people and watched camly as joggers with big dogs trotted by. I was able to take this picture.
The heron and I looked at each other for quite some time. I finally realized that mealtime probably wouldn't continue while I stood there so I moved along.
I hope the memory of this morning stays with me.
I walked for quite a way and on the way back the clouds began to clear. The wind was moving them along quickly and the light show on the trees and the river was beautiful to watch. I climbed out on a rotten log and took this video with my snappy new camera. This doesn't do the moment justice - it was one of those 'you had to be there' experiences - but I'm glad I have this anyway.
When I was nearly back to the car I came upon a heron feeding in the river. This heron was remarkably unimpressed by the presence of people and watched camly as joggers with big dogs trotted by. I was able to take this picture.
The heron and I looked at each other for quite some time. I finally realized that mealtime probably wouldn't continue while I stood there so I moved along.
I hope the memory of this morning stays with me.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Well, this was odd
A few days ago I set up Google Analytics to track activity on this blog. It doesn't report anything that would identify a particular person who visits but it let's me know if anyone at all happened to stop by.
One of the reports gives a list of sites that link to the blog. It only reports them when someone actually follows the link and views one of my posts. I was surprised to find that my post with poems by Christina Rossetti and Sara Teasdale had recently been linked from an AP English blog from Fremont, California. My post is cited dispassionately but not inappropriately as being "from the POV of a cancer patient." It's odd because after this long year I still feel a bit like a pretender in that role. My disease has been dramatic, of course, but far less scary or threatening than those some others have fought. I am grateful for having been passed over and wish deeply that all of those dear to me could have been as fortunate.
One of the reports gives a list of sites that link to the blog. It only reports them when someone actually follows the link and views one of my posts. I was surprised to find that my post with poems by Christina Rossetti and Sara Teasdale had recently been linked from an AP English blog from Fremont, California. My post is cited dispassionately but not inappropriately as being "from the POV of a cancer patient." It's odd because after this long year I still feel a bit like a pretender in that role. My disease has been dramatic, of course, but far less scary or threatening than those some others have fought. I am grateful for having been passed over and wish deeply that all of those dear to me could have been as fortunate.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
One year
Today is my one year surgery anniversary. It has been a hard year with recovery from the lung surgery, the other much less dramatic hernia surgery, some serious challenges at work, and most of all the crushing loss of my friend Barry. This has all left a profound mark on me. Thinking back, what strikes me is that it was a year of love. I am still overwhelmed by the kindnesses that were showered on me. I have such a wonderful family and the best possible friends. I am also very grateful for the time that I spent with Barry and Rick and am glad to have a job that let me go when I needed to go.
I will hold this year in my mind and heart. I will continue let what I have learned guide my choices and actions. It was a year that let me see clearly what is most important in life. It is my job to show that the lesson has been learned.
I will hold this year in my mind and heart. I will continue let what I have learned guide my choices and actions. It was a year that let me see clearly what is most important in life. It is my job to show that the lesson has been learned.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
In the mail
Like everyone else, the first thing I do when I get home is to check the mail. Usually it's full of assorted junk mail and advertisements for assorted things. Yesterday I didn't have any of that, just two handwritten notes. I don't think I have ever had that happen before.
The first note was from Rick, thanking me for things I did to help during and after Barry's illness. It was beautifully written and he said some of the kindest and most helpful things. I will hold onto it for a long time. The second was from my nephew Joe to thank me for a graduation present. I kid my nephews that I'm only being nice to them so they'll feel obligated to take care of me when I'm old. Joe told me that he'd be the first to take care of me when I'm old and decrepit in the home. That was both funny and reassuring. After this past year and a half, decrepit seems to be coming on sooner than I had anticipated!
What a wonderful moment to come home to find two kind and thoughtful messages. It made me feel as if I just might be getting things right some of the time.
The first note was from Rick, thanking me for things I did to help during and after Barry's illness. It was beautifully written and he said some of the kindest and most helpful things. I will hold onto it for a long time. The second was from my nephew Joe to thank me for a graduation present. I kid my nephews that I'm only being nice to them so they'll feel obligated to take care of me when I'm old. Joe told me that he'd be the first to take care of me when I'm old and decrepit in the home. That was both funny and reassuring. After this past year and a half, decrepit seems to be coming on sooner than I had anticipated!
What a wonderful moment to come home to find two kind and thoughtful messages. It made me feel as if I just might be getting things right some of the time.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Brokenhearted
My friend Barry died today. He had melanoma a few years ago and they thought that they had caught it in time. In May they found that it had come back very seriously. He went through surgery, treatment, paralysis and a host of other indignities and challenges since then. In all that time he was realistic and brave and positive. Barry lived a full life of rich experiences, great accomplishments and strong relationships, and as these last months passed it was clear that it was his ties with others that were the most important thing in his life. I have been blessed with dear friends and a wonderful family, and all who knew him would agree that there was no more close or constant friend than Barry. I wish and pray for peace for him. And I pray for comfort for all of us who loved him and who love him still.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A low key day
This was one of those days that passes quietly and without peaks or valleys. Another one that is summed up by the poem Weariness by Sara Teasdale. I rolled that out back in November so I won't restate it now. I started by trying to go geocaching but the place that I selected seems to have been a hub for exuberant mountain bikers on Sunday mornings. I decided to try another location but my GPS device wigged out at that moment and wouldn't recover. I took that to be a sign and just headed home. For the rest of hte day I puttered in the house and watched movies. I had been sitting on "Into the Wild" which was good but maybe not the best choice for a low-energy day. I have had a busy run lately and have been scrambling to keep up. That pace isn't likely to change in the near future so I'm grateful for the hours this afternoon when I could extract myself from the mix. I need to be ready to sparkle and put on the show again tomorrow morning.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
When the world really changes
Barry got bad news yesterday when he met with his oncologist. He is accepting and working through it in a way that is typical of his strength, sensitivity, and intellect. In doing this, he is making it easier for the rest of us to absorb and accept this information, too. I admire him so much for that.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Event prep
I'm getting ready for a nephew graduation weekend extravaganza featuring visiting relatives, the graduation itself, an afternoon cookout celebration and an assortment of other activities. I've been getting the house ready so that my sister can stay with me. By "getting the house ready" I really mean just dusting, vacuuming, and neatening the place up enough that you don't have to kick your way through stuff to get across the living room floor. I'm trying to keep up at work at the same time. We have a lot going on there.
In my mind all the time is my friend Barry. I hate that he has to go through all these things. I speak to him regularly on the phone and it's wonderful to hear his voice. Next week I get to go down to Florida to see him. I'm looking forward to that.
In my mind all the time is my friend Barry. I hate that he has to go through all these things. I speak to him regularly on the phone and it's wonderful to hear his voice. Next week I get to go down to Florida to see him. I'm looking forward to that.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Frivolity and seriousness
Last night I went to my brother's house where we sheared his one sheep. That poor sheep. We are truly terrible at this. This year we tried to do better. I had studied videos that I had gotten from other libraries and had watched several YouTube videos. We had also watched the sheep shearing demonstration a the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. Mostly all that did was intimidate me. Nevertheless, we forged ahead and today the sheep has less wool on her than she had yesterday. She's no showpiece but she'll be more comfortable this summer. As a side benefit, my hands are silky soft because of all that lanolin.
As I was getting ready for work, I saw a hummingbird at the weigelia bush in the back yard. Just at that moment, the phone rang. It was my friend Barry who had just received some crushing medical news. I'm still in a dazed state of semi-denial after speaking with him and am trying to think of any way to be of help. The phone call made the other lighthearted features of the day seem very frivolous. Still, it reminded me that those brief wonderful or fun moments are to be remembered and cherished. We never know how many of them will be allowed to us.
As I was getting ready for work, I saw a hummingbird at the weigelia bush in the back yard. Just at that moment, the phone rang. It was my friend Barry who had just received some crushing medical news. I'm still in a dazed state of semi-denial after speaking with him and am trying to think of any way to be of help. The phone call made the other lighthearted features of the day seem very frivolous. Still, it reminded me that those brief wonderful or fun moments are to be remembered and cherished. We never know how many of them will be allowed to us.
Monday, May 26, 2008
The worst, most beautiful days
The past few days have been among some of the most beautiful I can ever remember. Breezy, cool, and crystal clear. At the same time they have been some of the worst days. My friend Barry has had a recurrence of melanoma and had to have some difficult surgery this week. I have known Barry for 33 years and he was very supportive and consoling to me during my health problems last year. I hate it that he has to face this and hope that I can be as supportive for him as he has been for me.
We set up a blog for Barry to keep people up to date on his progress. He has been posting on it regularly. That web address is http://barryw.blogspot.com.
We set up a blog for Barry to keep people up to date on his progress. He has been posting on it regularly. That web address is http://barryw.blogspot.com.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
About prayer
I have been praying lately for people I know who are facing serious health challenges. I do this a lot but rarely as intensely as today. It seems foolish in a way to do this. I doubt that God is sitting around waiting for me to make suggestions for how He should proceed with things. At the same time it's impossible for me not to do it. Maybe the plan is for me to pray, to meditate, to come to a deeper understanding. I can't help but think that if we all show that we're trying very hard to learn the lesson set before us, then just maybe this test will pass us by.
Monday, May 5, 2008
The wrong approach
At work I have a lot of things going on all at once and I'm trying to keep up with a blast of competing deadlines. All of them are short-term events. It will be a scramble to meet them all and do a good job of it. This evening I caught myself looking forward to the end of next week when several of them will be behind me. What a bad way to look at things - wishing parts of my life away.
I will be working to get to the point where I'm looking forward to things that are coming up rather than waiting for parts of my life to be over.
I will be working to get to the point where I'm looking forward to things that are coming up rather than waiting for parts of my life to be over.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Damage control
I had a blowup with a friend of mine this week and it has been weighing on me all week. Over the last couple of days it seems that all might not be lost with that friendship. That's a huge relief. It has been on my mind all week. It sounds sappy, I know, but I believe that family and friends are all that gets us through life. I don't want to lose anyone.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
This week's poem
Here's another entry to keep up with my National Poetry Month campaign. This week I amd posting the lyrics to a favorite song of mine. It comes from the Trio II album by Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris. Some day I would like to meet Emmylou Harris. I know nothing about her except her music. She seems to include a song on each album that stays with me.
I don't know how much or how little these lines will strike someone who is reading them for the first time since I first heard them as a song. I like to think that anyone who has heard them set to music would understand why I chose this.
When We're Gone, Long Gone
Trouble, we have known trouble
In our struggle just to get by.
Many times the burden's been heavy
Still we carried on side by side.
And when we're walking together in glory
Hand in hand through eternity,
It's the love that will be remembered
Not wealth, not poverty.
And when we're gone, long gone
The only thing that will have mattered
Is the love that we shared
And the way that we cared
When we're gone, long gone
I don't know how much or how little these lines will strike someone who is reading them for the first time since I first heard them as a song. I like to think that anyone who has heard them set to music would understand why I chose this.
When We're Gone, Long Gone
Trouble, we have known trouble
In our struggle just to get by.
Many times the burden's been heavy
Still we carried on side by side.
And when we're walking together in glory
Hand in hand through eternity,
It's the love that will be remembered
Not wealth, not poverty.
And when we're gone, long gone
The only thing that will have mattered
Is the love that we shared
And the way that we cared
When we're gone, long gone
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