As the year ends

It's New Year's Eve. Wow. What a whirlwind of a year this has been. So many ups and downs. My uncle died early in January after a very long illness. In the middle of the year I got sick and spent much of the rest of the year dealing with that. In the middle of all this were some wonderful times. A great cruise with Sue, a visit to Lynn and Bill in Maine and then off to see Jim in Rehoboth. And of course, the spectacular month-long birthday celebration that finished with the trip with my family in Colorado.

This year is ending with a lot of holiday hubub. I haven't taken time, as I had hoped to do, to reflect on all that has happened. I have learned many things - some important and some trivial - that will stick with me. Some of them are..

• Being sick didn’t cause me to grow into some wise, saintly, ever-positive person. However, it did give me a much stronger motivation to try for that.
• My family and friends will always be there for me.
• My breathing is really not going to be as good as I had hoped. It will take me some time to get used to that. I will still be able to do everything I need to do. Some of it might just not be as easy as it had been.
• When I retire, I'll have to have a definite plan, otherwise I'll end up watching TV all the time.
• If I wait until I feel great or until everything is right to try something new or difficult, then I'll wait forever and never accomplish anything.
• They tell you that you’ll lose weight when you have surgery but you can’t count on that. Time for yet another New Year’s resolution in that direction.
• I will try harder than ever now to spend more time on important things.
• I will work to remember daily how fortunate I have been and will try to be worthy of that good fortune.

Yuri goes cool

Tom came up on Saturday. When I wasn't paying attention, he gave Yuri a new, cool look with dark glasses and some metallic tape on his head fronds. Yuri continues to do remarkably well. His head is getting a bit spongy now but I think he'll still be with us for a while. Here's a photo of his new image...

Holiday rush

Wow. It has been the usual holiday rush of parties, dinners, meal preparation, and visits to family and friends. It has been wonderful. The days have been long, though and like a four-year-old I have had times when I've gotten tired and cranky. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let that happen and I'm very sorry that I failed. Some holiday seasons just come and go but I know that this will be one that I'll remember. I want to make sure that they're good, festive, and happy memories for me and for everyone else.

A Treasured item

It's hard to believe that it's Christmas Eve already. These days are flying by. Pat and Barry are here for Christmas and Pat and I have been working along in the kitchen all day getting ready for meals this evening and tomorrow.

I'm including a photo of one of my most treasured possessions. These are the measuring spoons that came from my mother's house. As far back as I can remember, the food preparation for every holiday, celebration, or family gathering involved these spoons. It's funny to think of them as one of the great constants in my life but they are, in their way, a witness to most of the landmarks on my journey so far. It cheers me up every time I see them in the kitchen drawer.


It helps that they're probably the most useful measuring spoons ever made. They have nice long handles and rectangular bowls that make it easier to reach into small boxes and bottles of ingredients. They're not available any more but they turn up on eBay every now and then.

A couple of quotes for Christmas

Christmas is approaching at a breakneck pace. I've been doing my best to get ready and I'm not doing such a hot job of it. As always when I need a booster shot of holiday spirit, I re-read A Christmas Carol by Dickens. It has one of my favorite passages about the holiday. I also love the carol It Came Upon the Midnight Clear. The third and fourth verses - which nobody ever sings - are my favorites. Those two items usually do the trick for me. Here they are...


From A Christmas Carol...

"There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say," returned the nephew. "Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round--apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that--as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

From It Came Upon the Midnight Clear...

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing.

For lo! the days are hastening on,
By prophets seen of old,
When with the ever-circling years
Shall come the time foretold,
When the new heaven and earth shall own
The Prince of Peace, their King,
And the whole world send back the song
Which now the angels sing.

(By the way, you can read or download full text versions of A Christmas Carol from Project Gutenberg, one of the coolest sites on the web, if you ask me.)

A Christmas pick-me-up

People who have been reading this might remember Yuri, the little guy that John and Patrick made from a rubber glove, a plastic bed urinal, and a few found objects when I was in the hospital. Believe it or not, he's still going strong after 6 weeks. I had to re-tape his head to his body a couple of times and re-attach an eye now and then. This morning I fitted him out in a little Santa hat and took a photo. Weird, I know but it gave me a boost and after that last post it's clear that I could use one. Here's the photo.....

Down time

When I started this blog I decided that I'd write whatever was going on so I'm trying to stick with that. Lately, I've been going through a bit of slump in my positive attitude. From what I understand, a bit of a depressive episode is fairly typical after something like this. I think it's compounded a bit by the pressures of the holidays and assorted challenges at work. Lots of things to be handled and decisions to be made. I have been through things like this before. We all have. It's just something that needs to be lived through until it passes. I'm sure that either the arrival of Christmas or the calm after the holiday season will trigger an upswing. I'll just keep doing the show until that happens.

Christmas giving

This evening I was neatening up the house to get ready for Christmas and I collected together all the storage containers from the food that people brought for me. It's an astounding array.

It was so wonderful not to have to worry about meals when I got out of the hospital. I am very grateful for that. I'm also thinking of people who are not lucky enough to have so much support. My friend Michael works with an organization called Moveable Feast. They deliver meals to people with HIV or breast cancer who really need the help. I will be making a donation to them in appreciation for all that my friends and family did for me. I'm hoping that others who might read this will consider doing that as well.

Looming holidays

All is continuing to go well but I am learning that it's not ideal to be coming out of surgery recovery right into the holidays. There is so much to do and not a lot of energy to do it with. I'm pretty much spending all my energy just trying to keep up. It is annoying to get tired so quickly. I know that's to be expected but it's still a challenge.

I had a busy day yesterday and today my side hurts. That's typical. It's not nearly as bad as it had been in the past but it still holds me back a bit.

I'm spending the day baking. I have some cookie plate gifts that I want to finish today so that I can deliver them. Once I get that done, I can clean up the house. The place looks like a tornado blew through it. I'll feel better when that has been accomplished.

First week back at work

This week took me by surprise. I don't know if it was the leaf and pine needle raking on Saturday or just the general increased level of activity but this one was a challenge. My side ached almost all the time, sometimes quite a lot. I hadn't expected that. I had not believed that sitting at a desk could be tiring but it was.

I did finally get the furnace fixed. That's a relief. And I managed to shovel the snow off the front steps on Wednesday. That's also a good sign. I'm just a little disappointed that it still aches so much at this point. I realize that I had unrealistic expectations but it hasn't been fun.

I realize, at this late date, how much a difference it makes in my mood when I'm tired. It's easy to be cheerful when you have plenty of energy. It's more of a challenge when you're worn down. This is something that a lot of people probably already knew but it was news to me.

I took it easy today and I can see that it really helped. I baked cookies, did a little laundry, and took a nap under my heated electric throw that Sue gave me. I really enjoyed the nap. And so did Sam the cat, as you can see.

Here's a photo. It's the best could get with my phone camera. Click on it for a larger (but not a higher quality) version.

The big sleep

Wow. People told me that I would be tired when I went back to work but I didn't get it. When I got home last night the only thing I accomplished was to heat up some food from the freezer. I still have a few items left that people brought to me and I was very grateful for them last night. At about 6:30 I leaned over and dozed off on the couch. Eleven hours later I just got up from the couch and am starting the new day.

Just enough time to pay a few bills, take a shower and iron a shirt before I head out for work. I hope to have more energy than this soon. Of course, yesterday was four weeks exactly from the day I had surgery. I think all is going very well.

Today we may get snow. I hope so.

Murphy's law

Yesterday at work turned out to be a short day - and not for health reasons. After I was home for a solid month, my furnace acted up on the Sunday before I was supposed to return to to work. I had to leave mid-day to go wait for the repairman. That worked out OK and I have reliable heat again - although I still have to schedule yet another appointment for a little follow up work on the furnace.

All in all, not a bad day. We'll see how today goes.

Overpowering gratitude

Today was my last day of home duty before heading back to work. I have spent the last couple of days trying to do as much as possible so that I'll be ready to hit the road tomorrow. As a result, I'm exhausted and very sore but that's not bad news.

I have been out of work for four weeks. Just one month. The surgery, the hospital stay, the struggling to breathe deeply without great pain, are all in the past. It hasn't sunk in yet. I can't bring myself to drop my guard and accept that this show might actually be over. I guess that will come over time.

As this day ends, what I'm feeling is an overpowering feeling of gratitude. Gratitude for all of the kindness and support that has come my way. For my family, all of whom have shown nothing but love, kindness and patience. For my friends, co-workers, and neighbors, who have been an extension of my family and have treated me like I am a part of theirs.

I thought I might take a picture of all the cards and food storage containers that I have received and post it here. I set it up but it was such an astounding display that I was embarrassed to go through with it. If I counted in all the phone calls, emails and blog comments I've received, it would be truly an embarrassment of riches.

This year had a very difficult beginning as my uncle, who had been sick for many years, died early in January. Very shortly after that I got sick and stayed sick until I launched into the long diagnostic process that stretched from July through mid-August when I got the news that I had a malignant tumor. If this were a movie, the rest of the year would be a quick montage of doctor appointments, painful phone calls, hospital stays and assorted other unpleasant things. What I remember, though, is the outpouring of love and support that I have received. As this year draws to an end, I am grateful to have such a wonderful group of people to surround me. It's difficult to think that having had a disease such as this could ever be considered a positive experience but for me it truly has been.

I am constantly aware that this could all have progressed very differently. After that initial bad news, everything has gone as well as it was possible to do. I know my path could have developed very differently. I hope to do a good job of whatever comes, but I am so relieved that I have not been tested more than this.

Through all these months I have tried to learn from what has been set before me. If I can hold onto all that, then this could prove to be one of the best years of my life.

Getting back into the swing

I tried to make today as much of a business-as-usual day as possible. I started the day with food shopping and then my brother John and his boys Joe and John came over to help me rake leaves and pine needles. I was able to get more done than I expected to do but they put me to shame. It was great, though to actually do something. I'll pay for this with soreness tomorrow. I'm actually paying for it now but I'm hoping that a hot bath will help with that.

Tomorrow we're expecting sleet and then rain through the rest of the day. It's great to know that the yard is cleaned up. I'll enjoy looking out at it from the comfort of my cozy warm house!

DONE !

The surgeon appointment today went well this morning. I am progressing at a good pace and have been given the OK to go back to work on Monday. I'm not sure how my energy will hold at first but I'll give it a shot. He said it will be a while until I'm completely recovered but that it would be good for me to get back into the mix.

For the coming year I'll have follow-up appointments every three months. The first and third will have x-rays and the send and fourth will have CT scans. He re-stated to me that the pathology results were encouraging and that there's no indication of spread. I can't hear that enough times

This is taking a while to sink in for me. I have been on this task since the middle of July; longer if you count in how sick I had been last January. Now it is slipping, somewhat abruptly, into the past. I just hope it stays there. It will take me a while to get back into the swing of real life but I'm ready to give it a shot.

2,500

I have been working with my plastic breathing exerciser this week. As I mentioned before, I was up to 2,250 ml and had been stuck there for a while. Today I was determined to get to 2,500. I've been at it off and on all day and managed to get there just one time. That's better than not at all but still a little frustrating. I go back to the surgeon tomorrow for my first follow-up appointment. I'm curious to see if 2,250 is a reasonable level or if I should have been able to achieve better than that at this point.

Today I got a little stir crazy from being at home. I have some visitors coming this afternoon (yippee!) and so I decided to sweep the front walk to clear away the needles from the spruce tree. It's not a long stretch. Nevertheless, I'm a little sore now that it's over with. Evidently my broom movements involved things they had to slice through to perform the surgery. I just stretched things, though. I didn't pull open a seam or anything. Audra keeps telling me not to overdo. Now she's right and I'm NOT happy! It'll go away, though. And probably good for me in the long run.

Surgeon appointment at 8:00 tomorrow. I'm going to continue to strive for 2,500 ml until then.

Post-op x-ray image

Today I had a moment so I took a picture of the post-op x-ray that I had taken yesterday. Of course, I don't have one of those x-ray light boxes so I hung the film in the window and backed it with some waxed paper. That seemed to work well enough. Here's a copy of the photo. I didn't realize it at first but you can click on it to get a larger version.


I don't have a before picture to compare it with but this picture obviously shows a lot of blank space where lung used to be. On one hand, I'm surprised to see that there's so much left. That's reassuring. Still, it was distressing yesterday afternoon when I finally took out the films and looked at them. A little piece of reality smacking me in the face. I wasn't quite ready for that.

On the positive side, I took a walk again this morning and that went well. My pace is picking up. That's a good development. It still hurts when I try to breathe really deeply. I'm looking forward to the day when that's no longer the case.

A minor landmark

I have my post-op appointment with the surgeon on Friday morning. Today I had a bit of a landmark and drove myself to the imaging center to get the xrays I need for that appointment. That went well enough. I had weaned myself off the narcotic pain pills - at least for a while - so that I would be able to drive responsibly. Lucky for me John had traded cars with me so I have one with an automatic transmission that I can use. The stick shift might have been a problem. I have my films and I'm ready to go. Trying to figure out if I needed referral forms in order to get these things done was no small chore.

I just got back a moment ago and I am amazed at how tired I am. It wasn't a particularly draining endeavor but it really did wear me out. I am not enjoying this part of this experience. I have occasionally felt inept in this life but I've never felt weak. I'm probably supposed to be learning something from this. I'll work on that. It doesn't really hurt, though, just a bit of aching and tightness. That has to be good.

So, it's nap time for me for a while and then I have things to keep me busy through the end of the day.

Thanksgiving

As far back as I can remember this has been my favorite holiday. There are no presents, minimal decorations, and only as much preparation as you are interested in doing. The whole goal of the day is to be with people who are dear to you and take stock of all the good things that have come to you over the year.

I have so much to be thankful for this year that it makes my head spin. What could have been a truly awful time has turned out so differently. As this day arrives I’m well on the route to recovery after surgery with a good likelihood that I’m completely done with this disease. More important than that, it is so clear to me now how surrounded I am by the kindest and most loving family, friends, and neighbors that it could be possible to have. I can’t think of anything more that I could ever need. As the time passes I will hold on to this year. No matter what comes in the future, I hope that the knowledge that I ever had a year as wonderful as this will carry me through.

I am in the middle of Thanksgiving preparations. I have hosted the dinner for my family for several years but this year we’ll be having it at John & Jennie’s house. That’s a relief. I’m not quite up to the task this year. Tom will be on hand to help get ready and to make the gravy. That’s a skill that continues to elude me.

We have a few offbeat Thanksgiving items that we roll out every year. I’ll include a photo of them here. You’ll see a crepe paper honeycomb fruit bowl. Pat bought that decades ago and it was always featured on the piano in our house at Thanksgiving. It has seen much better days. Still, looks aren’t everything. There are also some recently added paper pineapples and a turkey, plus a stuffed turkey that somehow ended up in the sacred holiday items collection.

My favorite set of items is our collection of poultry seasonings. The year after my mother died we were cleaning out the cabinet above the oven in her house and found all these containers of poultry seasoning. Evidently she bought one every year, used it for the holidays, stowed it in the cabinet, and forgot about it. In the 11 years that have passed since we found them, we’ve bought a new container of poultry seasoning every year. We label each one with the year that we bought it and we line them up in some place of honor during the meal. It’s a goofy tradition but it’s a tradition now and I can’t imagine Thanksgiving without it.

Oh, and while I was taking that photo, Sam the cat became interested in all the items on the table. Here she is investigating. She seems to be doing well, by the way. Thank you to all who were worried about her. Yet another reason to be grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Morning walks

Over the weekend I started taking morning walks again. I walk from my house down to the Main St. in Ellicott City, across the Patapsco River bridge and back. It's almost exactly 1.5 miles. I had been doing this to get ready for the surgery and now I'm doing it as part of my recovery program. During the day the route is busy with traffic but I go early in the morning. The roads have an entirely different character then, almost deserted. I took my camera this morning. Here's a photo.


The day before I went into the hospital I saw a blue heron standing in the river as I crossed the bridge. When Pat and I took my first long walk after the surgery we saw one in the middle of the river. And the first day I started taking the morning walk after the surgery, I saw one again from the bridge. I haven't seen one since. Not yet anyway. I can't help but wonder if it was the same one all three times. I like to think it was.