Paying the price

Well, yesterday I had a truly terrible day at work. In the evening I ended up by blowing up at a friend of mine. I apologized as best I could and hoped I might have been able to set things right. But this evening it seems that I have done some serious and potentially permanent damage to that friendship. This is being really hard.

A low point

Yesterday was a day full of challenges and I failed all of them. Strange because the day seemed to start so well. I let my guard down, it seems. Today I have to try harder. We'll see how that goes.

On an unrelated note, this morning on my walk I saw a beaver ambling about on a little island in the river. He was pretty chunky. Evidently the winter had been good to him. I didn't realize that they got that big.

Off to get ready for the day. I hope to do a better job of this one.

A poem for a spectacular day

This is such a beautiful day, warm and clear. I have posted an assortment of sad poems here so today I thought I'd include one that's a little more upbeat. Here's, "Loveliest of Trees" by A.E. Houseman. It's one of those poems that turns up in all the collections of favorite, best-loved poems. Some might consider it a little sappy but It's ideal for today.

Loveliest of trees, the cherry now
Is hung with bloom along the bough,
And stands about the woodland ride
Wearing white for Eastertide.

Now, of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It only leaves me fifty more.

And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.

Here's a picture of the cherry trees outside the parking garage where I work. I took it a few days ago. They have faded already but were striking at the time.

A minor (very minor) landmark

Today I mowed the lawn for the first time this season. I was a little curious about how that was going to go since I hadn't had to pull the start cord on the mower since late last summer - long before I had the surgery. It was a non-event. The mower started up more easily this year than it has for a long time. I didn't seem to have any ill effect from the incision on my back. That surprised me - and in a positive way. I did get a bit more winded than I had in the past. My lawn is very small so it really shouldn't present any problem. I suspect that the breathlessness wasn't an indication of illness but a symptom of me sitting around all winter and eating.

Mowing the lawn seems like not much of a chore now. In the late evening light under the spruce trees, it was really very beautiful. The cherry tree was dropping petals on the back yard, the muscari and the daffodils were in bloom and the few puny hyacinths I have were heavy with perfume. I was grateful for the experience. I'll probably be singing a different tune in August, of course, but today was delightful.

A sad but hopeful poem for a grey day

This morning was grey and foggy. At the same time, many trees have begun to bloom - mostly white and pink. They make a beautiful impression against the light purple sky. This day had "stay in bed" written all over it. If I were home I would probably already be taking a nap with the windows open, feeling the breeze and waiting for the rain that is expected later in the day.

This morning I remembered a poem that I hadn't thought about in quite some time. It is a somber but hopeful one, perfect for this sort of day. It's another one by Christina Rossetti and has brought me great comfort in the past. I'm including it as part of my poem-a-week plan for National Poetry Month.

REST

O Earth, lie heavily upon her eyes;
    Seal her sweet eyes weary of watching, Earth;
    Lie close around her; leave no room for mirth
With its harsh laughter, nor for sound of sighs.
She hath no questions, she hath no replies,
    Hushed in and curtained with a blessed dearth
    Of all that irked her from the hour of birth;
With stillness that is almost Paradise.
Darkness more clear than noonday holdeth her,
    Silence more musical than any song;
Even her very heart has ceased to stir:
Until the morning of Eternity
Her rest shall not begin nor end, but be;
    And when she wakes she will not think it long.

Looking back with gratitude and wonder

Early this morning I took a walk down to the river. I thought a lot about what was on my mind during those early morning walks at the end of last year before I went into the hospital. I realized that in these few months I had allowed myself to lose touch with the thoughts and feelings from that time that had brought me such comfort. I tried today to hold those things foremost in my mind. It helped a lot.

Coincidentally, today I recieved good news from two of my friends. In recent months the only good news I had recieved about myself or anyone else was just the lack of bad news. It was great to hear some plain ol' happy news.

Tonight I read through all the posts I've made to this blog since I started it last year. It brought back to me all the gratitude, wonder, and love that were so evident and immediate to me then. When all this began, I determined not to let that awareness slip away from me. It's easy to let that happen. I'm glad that I have these notes. It all came back.

Five months

Five months ago at thsi moment I was on the operating table. I know I should just get over this but it amazes me that it has only been that long. It doesn't seem possible that I should be able to feel this well after such a short time. It still hurts every now and then but in a different way. Now it's usually the muscles-stretching-out sort of ache and not the post-surgery-something-might-tear feeling. As all of the post-surgery stuff begins to fade, I am hoping to hold onto all the things I've learned in the last year. That'll take more active work on my part when I have fewer of those physical reminders.

And with joy the stars perform their shining

I realized this morning that it is National Poetry Month. I've posted a lot of poems here already. Usually they have had to do with what was going on at the moment. For April, I'm going to try to post one each week that may or may not tie in.

This week's selection is "Self-Dependence" by Matthew Arnold. It's a wonderful poem. I can't remember where I first saw it. The title of this post comes from it. Read on.

Self-Dependence

Weary of myself, and sick of asking
What I am, and what I ought to be,
At this vessel's prow I stand, which bears me
Forwards, forwards, o'er the starlit sea.

And a look of passionate desire
O'er the sea and to the stars I send:
"Ye who from my childhood up have calm'd me,
Calm me, ah, compose me to the end!

"Ah, once more," I cried, "ye stars, ye waters,
On my heart your mighty charm renew;
Still, still let me, as I gaze upon you,
Feel my soul becoming vast like you!"

From the intense, clear, star-sown vault of heaven,
Over the lit sea's unquiet way,
In the rustling night-air came the answer
"Wouldst thou be as these are? Live as they.

"Unaffrighted by the silence round them,
Undistracted by the sights they see,
These demand not that the things without them
Yield them love, amusement, sympathy.

"And with joy the stars perform their shining,
And the sea its long moon-silver'd roll;
For self-poised they live, nor pine with noting
All the fever of some differing soul.

"Bounded by themselves, and unregardful
In what state God's other works may be,
In their own tasks all their powers pouring,
These attain the mighty life you see."

O air-born voice! long since, severely clear,
A cry like thine in mine own heart I hear:
"Resolve to be thyself; and know that he,
Who finds himself, loses his misery!"


I verified this text through Project Gutenberg. If you have never used it, you should give it a try. It is a magnificent source of free e-text versions of public domain works.

In Minneapolis

I'm in Minneapolis for a few days for a conference. I've learned a lot of interesting things that I hope will be useful when I get home. I've also had a chance to see a bit of Minneapolis which is a beautiful city. On Wednesday I had a chance to see Minnehaha Falls. It was very beautiful with all the ice surrounding it.
I also had a chance to go to a reception in a tall office building that overlooked the city. Here's a few from there that I took with my phone. That white building is the Foshay Tower. It has an interesting history.

Easter canoe trip

I have spent the Easter weekend on a canoe/kayak trip with family and friends in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. It was a wonderful time. Good river trips, good food, and beautiful, clear weather. It was cold at night, though. The thermometer read 26 degrees this morning. I am taking a moment to post this as we pack to leave.

Maybe because it's Easter, an old Longfellow poem came back to me. It's called "My Cathedral" and has always been a favorite of mine. I memorized it many years ago. I'll include it below - and will fix any errors when I get home.

My Cathedral

Like two cathedral towers these stately pines
Uplift their fretted summits tipped with cones;
The arch beneath them is not built with stones,
Not Art but Nature traced these lovely lines,
And carved this graceful arabesque of vines;
No organ but the wind here sighs and moans,
No sepulchre conceals a martyr's bones.
No marble bishop on his tomb reclines.
Enter! The pavement carpeted with leaves,
Gives back the softened echo of thy tread!
Listen! The choir is singing; All the birds
In leafy galleries beneath the eaves,
Are singing. Listen, ere the sound be fled,
And learn there may be worship without words.

(P.S. Checking the poem, I found I had all the words right but missed some of the punctuation. Not too bad.)

Slapped in the face by God

I have been talking a lot about taking the high philosophical road. At the same time, I have let some relatively small things get to me recently. These issues were very big to some of the people around me and I don't mean to discount that. Nevertheless, I had been making more of them than I should. Today I got news that someone I've known my whole life is facing a health threat that could be far worse than anything I have seen. I will shut up about my personal trivial challenges now and will work to remember two things - how truly lucky I am and how much power I have to lighten the burden of those about me. I believe that messages are sent to us all the time and that we just have to keep our minds and hearts open enough to receive them. Today I feel as if I have been truly slapped in the face by God with one such message. I am sorry for having been so self centered. As the nuns at St. Mark's would have framed it, I will offer up my trials in the hope that it will lighten the burdens of others.

A bad week

I am feeling a little overwhelmed today. This poem occurred to me. It's more dramatic than necessary to describe how I'm feeling but it seems to capture the tone nonetheless. It's "Not Waving But Drowning" by Stevie Smith. Oddly, it was written the same year I was born...

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

Health-wise, everything is going along as well as could be expected. Lots of this hasn't been easy but could have been so much worse that I haven't been focusing on that. In the meantime, I am having to deal with some other things that are using up much more time and energy than they should. I am working today on putting some things into perspective and realizing that what motivates and is important to me is not always the same thing that motivates and is important to everyone else. Still, it's a chance to learn, to grow, and to develop greater understanding. That is always good. Just today, though, I feel like I've had enough opportunities for that over the last year.

Second surgery follow-up

Well, I went in for my second surgery follow-up appointment this afternoon. All that news was good. The incision looked good and the x-rays showed nothing surprising. The pain that I have sometimes been having is to be expected. It comes after exercise and results from stretching the muscles that are still healing. I suspected/hoped that it was something like that but it's good to hear it officially.

I finally remembered to ask if they could tell me how long the tumor had been growing. The doctor told me that it wasn't possible to tell for sure. It could have been as little as five years but could have been as long as twelve years or more. That was interesting to hear. I had read that neuroendocrine tumors grow slowly but I didn't know exactly what that meant. Some people have them growing for a very long time before they're detected. I'm glad my doctor began to suspect mine as early as he did.

Here is a comparison of my x-rays. The one on the left is from last week, the one on the right is from three months ago. Click the image for a much larger version.

X-rays ready to go

Well, today was x-ray day. It took longer than I expected. There were a lot of people in there today. All went well and I have my envelope of films ready for next Friday. I haven't compared them to the November films yet. That should be interesting. Just because I don't know anything about reading x-rays doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

I don't like the x-ray place. It's supremely depressing. All those people with serious problems. I had a big problem, I know, but I feel like an impostor compared to all the people who are facing things that are much worse. I sat next to a woman today while waiting for my films. She was on oxygen, her husband had died five years ago, and now she has breast cancer. She was getting ready for an appointment with her surgeon and it turned out one of her other doctors hadn't returned her x-rays to the film library. Someone was waiting in the car for her to pick them up. She seemed so alone. We talked for quite a while.

When I got home I decided to watch "La Vie en Rose" - the film about the life of Edith Piaf. It was brilliant. Although if I wasn't depressed before that I surely am now. I'm going out with friends tonight and am looking forward to it a lot. I feel very fortunate.

Thinking back

It's funny what can trigger a memory or an image in your mind. On the way in to work today I was waiting at a traffic light when I noticed that the car in front of me had an Outer Banks (North Carolina) license plate frame. It made me think of times when I was down there and got up early to watch the sun rise over the ocean. A little wistful, I suspect, because of the events of the past year and the upcoming doctor appointment. The appointment (see post below) isn't expected to bring any news but that sort of thing always gets a person thinking. I located these photos that I took of the sunrise over the water when I was down at the Outer Banks. They are some of my favorite pictures. Click them for a larger version.

Four months

Wow, it has been four months since I had that surgery. A lot is different since then. Not all of it has to do with health stuff but it seems all to have developed because of that in one way or another. I have set up the next follow-up appointment with the surgeon. That happens next Friday and I go in tomorrow to get the required x-rays. I don't expect much news one way or another to come out of that appointment. I'm hoping not, anyway.

Geese

I took a walk down to the river this morning . It was nearly 60 degrees when I got up. It was very beautiful and quiet. When I got back, a big flock of geese flew high overhead. I remember that from autumn and spring when I was little. Whenever the geese would fly by we would all stop what we were doing and watch and listen to them as they passed. I noticed that the snowdrops are blooming in the yard this morning, too. Spring must be on the way. I'm ready for that.

We're expecting heavy rain this afternoon and evening. I got ready for that by clearing out the gutter along the back porch roof. It always clogs with pine needles and then overflows when it rains.

I made a follow-up appointment with the surgeon yesterday. I was supposed to have done that in February but I let it slip with all else that was going on. That will happen on March 14. I'm interested to hear what he'll have to say. I'm going to ask about the soreness I have after I do anything that's a bit strenuous. It's probably to be expected.

Off to get ready for the day....

Tubby Tote Board Tightrope

In the last few weeks I have been on vacation and then had a stress induced food-fest. This morning I weighed myself and the news wasn't good. I'm walking a fine line trying not to cross the 'magic number' line. I'm not going to post today's number on my tubby tote board (see bottom of the column on the right side of the screen). I'm going to give myself the weekend to do a bit of recovery. The news on Monday probably won't be good but with luck it won't be as bad as today's news either.

Returning to what has sustained me

I have been having to deal with a lot of interpersonal issues lately. Some have been difficult. When I got home tonight I read through the Prayer of St. Francies. A copy of it hangs on the plaque in my room. It offers a lot of guidance. Here it is,

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

This contains so mush wisdom and I think anyone who can remember to live by it will both be happy and help others to be happy. St. Francis probably doesn't need any editorial suggestions from me. But if I had one thing to add to this prayer, I would add a line that says, "Where there is difference, let me sow tolerance." It is very easy work so hard to win on an issue that you can lose track of what is being given up to do it or the pain that is being caused to others on the way.

I'm putting this post in the poetry category even though that's not entirely accurate. The prayer of St. Francis is poetry to me, though, because it gives me what I seek in poetry - beauty and inspiration.

A few more Arizona pictures

It was a long day and when I got home I decided to look over my trip pictures again. I picked out three more to post here. It was wonderful to be out there in the quiet, open space. It is probably too dry and stark for me but I can see what so many people see in it. As always, click on a photo to see a larger version.