Friday, January 11, 2008

How the illness has changed me

As I was scrambling to get ready for work this morning I was thinking about how this illness has changed me. I'm a little disappointed to say that the true answer is 'not much.' Thinking back over the last few weeks, I don't feel that I've been more thoughtful, more kind, more careful to spend my time on the most important things, or any of the other qualities that I had assured myself I would develop. I had heard that it's typical for people in this sort of situation to vow to become the best possible person and then let that vow slip as time passes. Still, I had hoped it wouldn't be true of me.

Some of this, I think, is the result of the holidays coming right after I finished the most intense surgery recovery period and then that killer cold coming on just as the holidays wrapped up. I haven't really devoted any energy to this. I am setting myself a goal of next weekend. Due to the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, it will be a three day weekend and I'm signing it over to devote some time to introspection. It will also be a good time to move ahead. A good time to finally sign off on the year that passed and begin to look forward.

Anticipating a quiet day or two after the drama and hubub of the last few months, I'm reminded of yet another poem. This one is "Weariness" by Sara Teasdale...


Weariness

Oh let me be alone, far from the eyes and faces,
Let me be alone, awhile, even from you;
My soul is like a desert, sick of light-filled spaces,
The urge of useless winds, the sky of pitiless blue;
Let me be alone, awhile, in twilit places,
Waiting the merciful night, the stately stars and the dew.


The other evening as I was leaving work, the sky was that rich, deepest blue that happens on a clear day just after the sun has set and the sunset colors have faced. That was when this poem popped back into my head. I took a picture from the parking garage at work with my phone camera. It doesn't really do that moment justice but I'll include it here anyway.


(as always, click the picture for a larger version)

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